Rollercoaster
Kudunk, kudunk, kudunk, we slowly went up the track, I grasped the cold metal bar in front of me, getting ready to start the huge drop . Everything went quite the second we were at the edge… the screams began as the cart started to tip and my neck snapped back as we went flying down the 80 degree drop. The crisp wind was whipping by my face so fast it burned, and my stomach felt as If it was going to flip inside out. All I could here was the dramatic screaming of most girls and a couple of teenagers shouting, “No hands”. As we finished the drop half of the people were cheering for more but the other half looked like they were going to be sick.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Rollercoaster
Posted by Garrett at 5:06 AM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Garrett, your paragraph was very effective, I really enjoyed reading it. Just the first few words caught my attention because it really went into how it sounded. The grasping of the cold bar really brought out your fear and how nervous you were of the ride. Also I liked how you explained WHO was screaming (why only girls!!). The only thing that didn’t go well was basically spelling. You said that everything went ‘quite’ instead of ‘quiet’. Also you said you could only ‘here’ the screams of the people instead of ‘hear’. But overall you did a really great job.
I liked how you used the descriptive writing technique of desrcbing sound. Example, "Kudunk."
You also used alot of active verbs which drags the reader into the paragraph. It alsmost feels like i'm on the coaster with you. You also explain your emotions thourh your actions. Seeing not telling. The only thing i thought you could do better was use a few more commas and fix the few spelling mistakes. Either way great job.
Post a Comment